If I am honest...

So yes there has to be a moment when you got to be honest about things, and when it comes to man let's be honest you knew... You knew he wanted a night stand not a date, yet you went... You knew he was still with the girlfriend, yet you decide but it was better to believe he was not... You knew he was bad for you, and you went in a relationship with him... You knew he wanted to be just a friend and you still got a crush on him...You knew he did not love you and yet you fell in love with him... You knew, I knew let's be honest, OK I will be honest I knew...

I learnt something with the last few guys I dated I like those who I can not have and I do not care for those who are dying to see me one more time, I sleep with the one I know wont break my heart because he is not enough to make me feel, I feel for all of them somehow. If I am honest I like to make them all into one.

I want his eyes and the way he listens, I want his brains and the way he spokes in several languages, I want his devotion for me and his stability, I want his desire to travel and be simple, I want his hotness and his ignorance of a broken heart, I want his naive expression and his bubbly thinking, I want I want I want... but I knew I could not have... 

Some of these men have been gracious enough to gave me their hearts and sometimes other things, but some has took more than they have given me, but If I am honest all of them taught me a lesson, when you are a friend you are just a friend, when he spokes to you he spokes to a lot, if he is devoted then pay more attention, if he travels he is escaping and he is not asking you to escape with him, if he is hot he is just hot, if he is bubbly he is a bubble and it pops.

I still have a list of mistakes to make and most of them have a name and last name, most of them will be something I want and something I can have. something I do not and will be there waiting for me to pay attention to.... If am honest I do not see myself with a happy ending like most do, I do not see swearing love forever and ever... If I am honest all that scares me and if it does it means I am not ready and every guy that comes my way would be just another lessons... If I am honest the only mistake I do not want to make is that because of a name and last name I forget there is much more to life I already deal with a broken heart so If I am honest I knew I had my hopes to high but I am cool I also know I will survive it wont be remotely close to what was broken before because the true is I have less of a heart, more of a shield, more of a brain and less of a lie... If I am honest I know how to be honest now.

G.P

The Irish luck!

My longest relationship to this day was coming to an end I knew I could feel it,  or worse I was not feeling it. My sister and her boyfriend were visiting us for the summer and because he is American he wanted to go to a St Patrick´s party. Well here in Lima is quite unusual because  first we are not irish and well that is it. Yet Miraflores is full of hostels and hostels are full of foreigners who do no need a particular reason to get drunk and wasted so my friend took us to this hostel where they were having a St Patrick´s party. Anyways I asked my boyfriend not to come to dinner with my parents and not to join us at that party either because I was not feeling happy with the way things were going between us. So I asked him for some time to think about whether we should stay togueter or go separate ways.

The poor guy was devastaded not saying it because I am the best thing or anything like that, but I understand now that no matter what, being dumped when you are in love sucks it hurts and it sucks!! Until this day I believe he is the one guy that has loved me the most and that because of him I will never settle with less than TRUE LOVE, sounds corny I know, but it was true, it was honest it was said by his eyes no just by his lips, and he never had trouble saying it either, he always assured me how much he loved me and I did love him as well in the same honest way. I will always love him and the memory of us. And because of him I know how I am supposed to feel when I am in love and the way a guy should look at me when he is in love with me... I wish I had that again, last time I fell in love it was not in his eyes, neither in his words, neither in our love story nowhere but in a couple of drunk calls I know people said that drunk people is honest but I doubt he was being honest I think he was just lonely. And when I told him I loved him I also told him that for that reason we needed to split but that is another story.

Back to my irish luck story, so I got to the bar joined my friends and inmediately a blond guy with the bluest eyes was putting a hat on my head and talk to me in a funny way I did not understand a word. He noticed I did not got him and went back to keep working in the bar. One of my friends thought he was cute I thought he was bauld and yes he had beautiful eyes but he was not particularly hot. He was kind of cute but not really there were so many cute guys that if he would not put that hat on my head I probably would have not noticed him.

Then when I was going to the restroom I notice he was there bringing drinks from the back of the bar, one of my friends was taking pics of everything around us and she said we should take a picture togueter, I said "ok" and he hugged me almost too tight almost against the wall but in a funny way so that I could not help laughing. My other friend also took a pic and add him on FB apparently she liked him or something so they start chatting I saw that he was tagged on the picture and It ocurred to me that it would be a good idea to talk to him to see if he also liked my friend. But he said he did not like her, that actually he was hoping I liked him because he did. I told him I had a boyfriend he told me he had a girlfriend. So yes we were not going to date anytime soon or we should not have done it.

And of course we kept flirting while we chatted, my relationship had already an expiration date I was going to break up with him for sure after his birthday I was going to suck it up until his birthday so he at least had a good birthday. But things kind of happened differently me and the irish guy knew we should not try to be togueter but he was very sweet and for him I was an exotic peruvian girl that a white pale guy like him would not usually be lucky to date (Ok now I am just saying that because I think I am a big deal!) but seriously his girlfriend was way older than me and not really pretty, and It was summer so I was tanned and looking good. I was fun and careless, so of course he would have wanted to cheat on his girlfriend with me. I said I did not wanted to cheat but I did wanted to see him. He wrote the most erotic things someone ever wrote to me without being offensive or sounding like a pervert, he seduced me and the fact we could not be togueter because it was wrong made it more excited. So we decided to meet up while my relationship was on a coma he said he already tried to break up with his girlfriend but she was leaving to Canada soon so it was pointless to ended before she left. I did not have reason not to believed him or in the worst case that he was lying I was not going to do anything but to simply see him.

So I went to the hostel´s bar to meet up some friends and to see him, he was there but also his girlfriend was there, I said hi to him and I felt shy he went to greet me in the reception so they would let me in the bar, I said hi to his girlfriend as well. And sit with my friend and talk about how weird was that, he kept glancing at me and I guess she noticed it. Then I told him a couple of friends were coming and if he could go with me to the reception so they would let them in and so he did we went outside to wait for my friends and finally we were alone, he said he was happy that I came and that the fact his girlfriend was there sucked but that when she will leave we can be togueter all the time. I knew it was wrong very wrong but I did not want to hear more bullshit I just wanted to kiss him. But as I gave him my shy look of please kiss me and shut up. my friends were crossing the street and the moment was gone or so I thought because they went ahead of us to enter the hostel and he pulled me gently and kissed me briefly we both smiled... we both were guilty.

When we chat the day before we agreed that If we would want to have a talk and not to have his girlfriend checking on us we would say we wanted to see rainbows and we will meet in the stairs behind the bar to be alone. And as the drinks kick in, I was feeling like seeing rainbows so I took the courage and went to bar and I said it: R--- I want to see rainbows. He smiled at me he had really gentle eyes, he was very sweet and had a girlfriend and for some reason I did not care. So I went to the stairs and a minute later he was there with me, he hold me not in a funny way like last time but in a passionate way we kiss very passionately for a first kiss and I felt butterflies, when you feel those you are basicly screwed. I also felt his "excitement" when he reached for my knickers his hand under my flower printed dress he was touching my bum and I stopped him he apologyze about it and we needed to go back to the bar. I got more durnk and wanted to see more rainbows so we went back to the stairs we kissed and everytime it was more fun he was a great kisser his hands were rough he had calluses in his hands and I loved them.

We agreed it was wrong that we should wait for his girlfriend to leave and that I should make my break up official so we can hang out without feeling guilty but that was on sunday by monday we were already agreeing on meeting to see a movie that afternoon. We went to the movies and we did not watch the movies of course he managed to take off my bra while we were "watching the movie" I swear I still do not know how noone complaint about us. we were almost on top of each other.

So as we were heading out of the movies my friend called me and said that my boyfriend change his status to single and that I was no longer in a realtionship with him that is on FB of course. At that age FB matter to me more than it does now so I called him and thanked him for making it easy on me. He regreted it, he said if I agree on seeing him he would then put it back and that can we be togueter again because that was all he wanted,  I just hanged up. He just did the ultimate thing to loose me, the thing is I do not like games I know most girls like when the guy ignores her and all that shit but I do not, seriuously I do not go crazy thinking on guys that have not called me back I go crazy for guys that pay attention to me, guys who are always there for me, guys who I can count on, so games to me are a big turn off. Trying to play me just results on me loosing interest and thinking the guy is weird. I know I am not the only I am sure there are a few more girls like me we are rare but we do exist we are partially dudes in girls bodies with some fatal girls problems like what to wear or feeling fat most days.

So I told my irish affair that I was not longer guilty and felt better about the whole thing now we only needed to wait for his girlfriend to leave and so because I live so close to the airport we made plans for our next date being at the airport he would drop his girlfriend at the airport and then go with me to my house. So I went to the airport and wait for him when I finally saw him he was still with her so I hided away then follow them inside and then hided again after 5 minutes he called me and asked where I was I guess the goodbye did not last much I felt bad that I took that away from her, althought I ignored it she was in love with him and he wanted me so badly that he bearly spend time saying goodbye to her. Karma is a bitch so I paid for it.

We went to my house and I already had everything planned to sneak him in my room. I got home and told my mum I was going to take my dog for a walk. (Mother if you ever read this please forgive me for offending your house but you have a really irresponsible daughter, I drink too much yes,  and kiss too many boys and unlike you I am not a saint, thanks god I am sort of smart huh?). Anyways after we took my dog for a walk I confirmed him that my mother was already almost slept so we walk around holding hands and kissing in the street without having to hide and yet was still fun. We went back to my house I closed my mother´s door and she was sleeping as I stimated he was behind me in the stairs I gave him the sign and point to my door so he will enter my room as fast as he could whilst I watched my mother´s door. I played some music and we were kissing and cuddling. It felt very nice until then I never had anyone else in my bed besides my ex.

Soon the kisses were more passionate and this boy was talented at pleasing, a lot of people asked me why I dated him he did not seem like my type but he was my new type I liked his rough hands against my skin it felt manly and I liked the way he was eagor to please me he just wanted me to enjoy he said he wanted to be my slave and I was stunished. He knew exactly how to please me and he did as he described in his text and he took me beyond pleasure. When I woke up the next morning I opened my eyes and found his blue blue eyes finding my eyes and they were so bright it was beautiful a really lovely moment he said he liked me a lot. And we cuddle some more than we did have sex because all night he only pleasure me not once tried to get anything from me and so I let myself go with him. We spent all morning togueter I made breakfast for him and I was not as cautious as I am now when it comes to boys so I let myself go with him, I even thought of actually being in a relationship with him because I really liked him then I sang to him, I did not wanted him to see me while I was singing because I am very shy so stick the lyrics with the chords in his big forehead and play with my eyes close most of the time. I was flushing and my cheeks burned after I finished singing he did not said anything he just removed the paper from his forehead and stared at me. I blushed more and he told me he really like the song, but more important he said he really like me and with those sweet eyes I felt he reallly really liked me.

But after that day I never felt that again with him, that day I felt we could be togueter but then he got weird we saw each other a few more times and I took him to my room one more time but this time was just sex last time was like a really sweet night, and he kind of start bullshitting me so I lost interest and told him I had feelings for him but if he did not like me in the same way it was fine we could remain friends. So I stop going to the bar but came back a few weeks later then when I saw him again we hooked up and I told him that I did not understand why he let me go and why could not we just be friends with benefit and he said it was because he was falling in love with me and that is why he let me go, and I told him BULLSHIT!!! and left mad. I hate BULLSHIT!!! I do!!! why guys feel the need to give me bullshit please just hit me with true I enjoyed it and true does not offend me, a simple: "sorry I was recently single and you seemed to be looking for a boyfriend and I work in a bar full of plenty drunk girls throughing themselves to me so being single is awesome for me right now" and yes probably I would not like it, but it wont make me go away, you have no idea how fun it would had been. I like guys that are honest they are rare but there are a few guys like that I know I have met a couple and we did have lots of fun.

I left to Mancora a beach town in Peru, I went there to celebrate that I was single to celebrate I passed all my classes even thought I start working full time, and to have fun in a girls trip and of course I was going to stay at a hostel. My friend lost her ID and could not board on time so ended up going alone. I needed to call the hostel to cancel my first night because I was going to spend first night in the city in a fancy hotel my syster booked for me and I talk to the irish to ask him for the phone number he said : I miss you do not go on your own to that place better be with me. I looked at what was written in my screen and showed him my middle firnger I thank him for the info and left to party with a friend and yes we use my king size bed in the fancy hotel. I guess he did not wanted me to go because a girl on her own between so many foreigners will realize how popular she can be when she is drunk and on her own. And I guess he liked me because I was with just one guy before him. Well a week after I talk to him again to see if it was ok that I went to the bar, he said yes and he did wanted to see me again... I showed him my finger again, then 2 days before I went to the bar he wrotte he had a girlfriend now and it was kind of serious and that  we should just be friends. I looked at the screen and instead of showing him my finger and went get coffee and thought for a while about what to reply to this bastard. And so I wrote: We were always just friends. See you soon, I still get free drinks right?

I went and I saw him with his new girlfriend she was not old like the other one neither was she ugly she was quite nice, and yes she was skinnier than me, though she had a big forehead not as big as his but they will have kids with big foreheads. He was all over her and it made me unconfortable and just as I was deciding to leave a girl and 2 boys approach our table we started talking and I start flirting with one of the boys they were younger than me but I did not care he was very smart and he had a deep voice and I liked him a lot he was funny too and he help me go through that akward moment quite gracefully, yes he had I knew girlfriend but guess who was single and having more fun than ever. Yes it hurted me that the Irish got so involved with a girl he only just met just a while after he said he rather be single because that "I was falling for you" was just I WANT TO BE SINGLE statement, but what it hurted the most was that NO that bastard would not give me free drinks anymore!! Shit it hurts to pay for alcohol when you are girl who never had to do it because boys will normally buy it for you. Yes it might sound spoiled but to be fair the guy I met that night bought me drinks I just had to buy the first one.And that guy also became a really good friend he did not Bullshit me I even visited him in his country and will always think he is smart kid.

And yes that is the Irish Luck or unluck, I guess... I am only know he played me not sure he played me as much as he pretend he will, but I deserved it I was bad. And he was not by anymeans a good guy. Soon I found out he made the canadian girl send him money because he was broke, and while he got his new girlfriend he was still with his old one they never broke up, poor girl found out on FB about this new relationship and that was not the worst part. The worst part is that this new girl and him got engaged a couple of months after they met and, oh not saying he does not love the new girl but it was quite convenient that she lived alone and he needed a place to stay because he was broke and planning to stay in Lima, you see is not often a young girl in Lima lives on her own we usually stay at our parents until we get married. He got a job teaching English and the new girlfriend start working at a new hostel where coincidently I ended up working at and so we became I guess "friends" I called my ex a couple times for him to pick me up so she will see him and think that I was still in love with him and that she had nothing to worry about me and her now husband.

It was so ackward but that is just my luck, last thing I knew from them after she got fired from the hostel. Is that finally he took her to Ireland because most peruvians apparently can not wait to leave Peru. Well not sure where they are or what are they doing but after she got fired she came to talk to me in the hostel and ask me about me and his now husband. I knew she knew so I just told her it was nothing serious and that he was just a rebound because I was still upset from my ex. It was true and lies togueter but then she told me about he doing that to the canadian girl about not breaking up with her not asking her for money that is something a friend who knew both told me.

I was happy I skipped that bullet because it was clear to me now, I finally understood why he let me go. I was not excited when he mentioned our kids will have my skin color and his blue eyes and they would be beautiful... I said please do not make me pregnant. He wanted to stay in Peru so he needed someone to start a life with and I was hardly at that stage, not sure how a girl my age back then could be speacilly with a stranger and I think his now wife is very stupid I am sure they love each other but she is weird to remain with a guy like that and he is just full of BULLSHIT full of it.

But whatever makes them happy, I just wished the canadian girl has found a new boyfriend one that is hot and worthy of her. And I had my karma for cheading, that and then some more. I am sorry,
I am I wish I could tell her or maybe is better is an unnecesary pain she would have not need... but then that is just BULLSHIT from me.

So I guess it needed o be four leafs to be lucky... is good reminder of why I do not like games though.

El que abrio las puertas de mi closet

No todos los hombres mencionados en este blog han estado en mi closet ( no en el de mi cuarto en todo caso), tal vez en el closet de mis recuerdos donde escondo alguna travesuras y tal vez no las escondo de todos, solo de la mayoría, y por ultimo quizás no todos los mencionados se merecen la categoría de hombres...

Se me ha vuelto una necesidad antes que empiece a olvidarme de ellos, porque me divierte mucho el recuerdo de algunos, me entristece el recuerdo de otros, me calientan  muy pocos pero... ja ja hay que ser sinceros algunos tienen mas espacio en mi closet.

Mi ex fue el primero en este closet el primero que "abrió las puertas" porque antes se habían asomado tal vez hasta se quisieron hacer espacio pero no!!! mi virtud virginal no me lo permitía... eso y el miedo al sida y a quedar embarazada muy joven.

Tenía yo 19 años estaba castigada por salir demasiado de fiesta estaba aburrida y estaba en una de esas redes sociales donde conocías gente para luego tenerlo de amigo en el msn que en ese momento estaba muy de moda, y bueno cuando la computadora es lo mas cerca a la "window"  que te puedes asomar no había de otra. Me agrego un chico de mi ciudad porque para esto por lo general agregabas gente de países lejos para que ni por chance se le ocurra acosarte.

Me hice medio amiga de este chico por msn hablábamos bastante y luego me decía para que vaya a estas fiestas en no se que discotecas y yo no podía salir, y yo no quería salir la verdad estaba perdiendo mucho peso desde que regrese de Estados Unidos pero aun me sentía gorda y obvio tenia miedo al rechazo real no el cybernetico!

Un día el amigo de una amiga que me enamoraba también por msn aunque nosotros ya nos conociamos, me dejo plantada y no vino a visitarme como quedo de hacerlo, yo estaba muy molesta y llame las JM las iniciales de su nombre. Ya habíamos hablado antes en el teléfono así que le conté que estaba aburrida en mi casa y me dijo que vaya a una de esas fiestas le dije que no podía y me fui a dormir. Al día siguiente el amigo de mi amiga que desde ahora llamare "trauma" volvió a llamarme y decirme que quería verme le dije si podía recogerme de la universidad y dijo que ya y a la hora llamo para decir nuevamente que no podía. Que creen que hice?? llame a JM que gustoso vino a recogerme y luego fuimos al parque cerca a mi universidad ahí hablamos mucho fue mejor que por teléfono nos reímos aun mas y el estaba sorprendido de lo loca que yo estaba. Siempre doy la impresión que estoy un poco zafada en verdad no entiendo porque...  tal vez porque no tengo mucho filtro al hablar y porque hablo mucho, porque digo muchas groserías y porque a mi la gente mas loca me parece la mas normal por ende creo que yo actuó normal.

Luego fuimos a su casa a ver películas la verdad todo sucedió muy naturalmente era como si nos conociésemos de toda la vida el tomo mi mano casi inmediatamente para caminar juntos yo no la quite, y eso que a mi eso me fastidia, fuimos a su casa subimos a ver tele nos echamos juntos en el sofa el trato de besarme varias veces y yo no deje que lo hiciera... si soy sincera no se que porque no lo deje yo me moría de ganas pero algo en mi hizo que me porte como una señorita bien portada, me gustaba verlo sufrir, ademas dejaba que se acercara y luego no respondía el beso y le decía No No!

Que ternura me da recordar esto, JM era un chico tan dulce era tan niño pero se las daba de seductor y eso me causaba aun mas ternura yo lo quise desde que lo conocí. Luego fuimos a la casa de su amigo que era un verdadero idiota y se peleo con el porque lo quería hacer quedar como un tonto delante mío yo que tengo una lengua muy aguda lo ataque con mis frases despectivas varias veces y eso no le gusto nada. Pero tampoco buscaba que se agarren a golpes como querían hacerlo ese imbécil empujo a JM cuando el le dio un palmazo en el hombro para que se calle. Yo salí a llamar a mi papá para que me recoja de la casa de su otro amigo que era el dueño de la casa el era un chico mas cool un pothead. Mi papá llego rápido y JM me acompaño hasta el auto me dio un beso cerca a los labios y pensé que no lo vería mas.

El chico " trauma" me llamo de nuevo quería verme le dije que yo no quería verlo insistió le dije que no, dijo que igual vendría y como era de suponerse jamas vino, yo no estaba nada triste en realidad ni me di cuenta JM me llamo en ese momento y hablamos como 3 horas y nos citamos para vernos al día siguiente donde por fin deje que me besara, todo era tan natural desde ahi no dejamos de hablar ni de vernos eramos inseparables. El chico trauma me mando unos mensajes idiota y cuando los lei por fin me di cuenta que eso de dejarme plantada era una estrategia suya para que cayera redondita cuando se decidiera por fin a verme, el idiota este no sabía que no le iba a dejar abrir las puertas de mi closet jamas!!! 

Así que le mande un mensaje muy sutil: " Dejame en paz, no quiero verte nunca quise verte! y nunca hubiera pasado nada y lo sabes"

Luego vinieron los días mas lindos de mi relación de la primera relación que seria una relación seria porque podía respirarse de lejos el amor que nos teníamos el uno por el otro nosotros; nos enamoramos en el parque la primera tarde que pasamos juntos cuando le dije que no me llame "bonita" que yo tengo un  nombre y que si se le olvidaba se podía también olvidar de mi.

Un día decidí salir con unas amigas a un hostel donde una amiga trabajaba yo no entendía bien que era un hostel en esos días solo sabia que muchos extranjeros se quedaban ahí y que cuando íbamos al bar del hostel ellos nos compraban las cervezas y nos llevaban a bailar esperando algo mas supongo, si me gustaba alguno lo besaba y luego me iba nada mas, solo había ido dos veces las dos veces tuve mucho éxito entre esos chicos y JM lo sabía creo que se lo conté antes en nuestras conversas del msn así que cuando le dije que estaba haciendo hora para entrar al bar después de ver el corso en el parque, me pidio que no fuera le dije que iba a quedarme en la casa de mi amiga porque ya era tarde para volver sola a mi casa y que por eso tenía que ir, me dijo que el quería verme pero que estaba en el cumple de su mejor amigo... en media hora ya estaba en el parque y me dijo que me podía llevar a mi casa asi que deje a mi amiga y los turistas que nos invitaban cerveza y me fui con JM estabamos viendo películas en mi casa y aun no estabamos juntos oficialmente pero habiamos estado saliendo y yo solo esperaba la pregunta, tomamos unos tragos que prepare lo lleve a mi cuarto desinhibida por el alcohol y porque mi mama no estaba en casa,  porque por alguna razón sabía que todo iba a estar bien que al día siguiente no me sentirla usada ni sucia ni asustada ni abandonada ni nada este chico estaba dispuesto a estar ahí para mi siempre y esa era la llave de mi closet, fui muy feliz de despertar a su lado y que me pidiera ser su enamorada oficialmente cuando la mayoría de idiotas hubiera simplemente disfrutado el momento de robarse la virginidad de una chica y luego irse, el quería quedarse, el quería que yo fuese de el siempre, me regalo una pulsera tejida, y jugamos en las sabanas mucho rato tuvimos que limpiar y lavarlas. Luego fuimos aun mas inseparables nuestro amor era puro e inocente, lastimosamente yo madure y crecí y también mis expectativas de la vida y de mis metas personales y el era el mismo inmaduro y tierno... yo con el dolor de dos almas que son una me atreví a separarlas y lo deje. 

Por casi un año abuse de su amor infinito por mi, destruí cuanta relación el empezaba solo por no perder su adoración por mi, jugué con sus sentimientos y lo siento muchísimo JM pero no te preocupes llegaron un par de idiotas que me lo hicieron pagar todo, es mas tu fuiste uno de esos idiotas que un día simplemente me insultaste me ignoraste y aun no me hablas... también me dolió verte tan mal que fumas diez veces mas de cuando estábamos juntos que estas mas delgado y ojeroso que casi no te afeitas  siento que te abandone... pero créeme no fue así solo necesitaba ir lejos y tu me atabas y me sofocabas, no me sentía protegida, te entiendo el resentimiento hacia a mí, pero siempre siempre guardare tu foto en mi velador, los peluches que me diste, tengo contados todos los girasoles que me entregaste y seras siempre el chico que abrió las puertas de mi closet y descubrió todo lo que había dentro, miedo, amor, dulzura, pasión y todo lo que te pude dar. Tu estas guardado para siempre en el.

          .

First man on my closet and the yelowish flower carpet

Tac tac tac tac tac.... delete everything and once again I am writting and deleting. I won’t delete anymore : is a compromise.

Everything around me seems to goes fast and everything inside me seems to go slow I am not processing fast enough and I am bitten up, I am torn, I keep going.

When I was seven I prayed every night until the time I start attending university maybe even after that,  the true is that I forgot when I stopped praying; I am not sure I do not believe in god. But I am only sure that I started praying when I was seven. I had a good reason to become a really good prayer…

I was scared, I did not finish my homework and I was too tired to even try, I wonder why such a young kid should have been in a stressed situation like that, homework should not exist, homework should be replace with 1 extra hour in school to do those duties because it might take a few hours at home but it is only because we have TV, computers, videogames and other thousand distractions according to what our parents can afford and want to afford. I was seven and I loved loosing myself on the TV and my fairy tale princesses histories, spending my afternoons with my dolls or my Mario bross Nintendo games, I was never a define type of kid was never too girly or too much of a tomboy either, I was extremely quiet until I was seven as well, I did not wanted to talk, I did not like other kids they were too annoying.  I had a sister we would  painted and destroyed enough things during the week and 2 boy cousins to play soccer on the weekends and destroy more things…

One afternoon I would prefer my dolls and Mario (oh well ok Luigi because I am the younger sister), I went to bed and as I was covering under my blankets and trying to dream of rainbows, it hit me: I never finished my homework. I was half sleep and half desperate to jump off the bed and start doing my homework. But my half sleep  did not let me get up I was rolling around my bed shaking off my laziness I was about to be a good responsible girl and do as I should... my eyes looking at the door, my feet moving to my right to slip of my softy and cousy bed and then a noise a whistle a wind whistle, I knew that but I was only seven it was dark and there was a small window above my doorframe from there I could see my tree it was mine yes, also it was my sisters and my parents, but I love it more than they did,  I sat on the stairs and watch my little tree for hours I used to watch its violet flowers turn fuchsia on spring and turned yellow on the fall... there is no rain in Lima but there was rain for me… a rain of weak yellowish flowers,

I never knew the name of those flowers I always ask people what are they called, they answer and I never catch it, is like I do not mind not knowing what took hours and hours of my time. I used to roll around on those weak yellowish flowers; they were like carpets in the small patio that was in the middle of our first home, of my parents room, the kitchen, my sister and I´s room and the living room, Oh and the one bathroom we had it was a small house 100m2 but it seem so big because we had a garage and the patio and the tree and the small second floor made of wood it was as weak as the yellowish flowers. Flowers that were hanging on those full of thorns branches they were my friends and my enemies. At night they used to show me creepy forms trough my window that’s why I covered my eyes with my blanket before I went to sleep I couldn’t sleep if even a little of the nightlight went through my room and when there was a full moon there was light across those branches making scary shapes. So I rolled inside my blankets again and I look up a little, there was a frame painting of Jesus, it was there for as long I could remember and I knew what I had to do:

“Dear lord I am only a child and I have never asked you more than toys, so tomorrow can you please do me a favor and don’t let the teacher come close to my notebook and notice I have not done my homework. Amen".

Next day I was safe she never ask for our homework I completed it anyways that day; it was good my mum wouldn’t punish me if I was good at school. I know it sounds harsh but my mum would beat us up sometimes, but she was sick she was crazy she was in pain she was cheated on.

I prayed everyday and ask for things go my way. The results were amazing I felt close to god because he definitely listened to me (obviously) it was because I was very good, I have never abuse his love I did my homework always and try hard for things I wanted, I had good grades mostly because I was lucky I was born with lots of brains unlike my sister she was not stupid o dumb or anything she was just normal and my unusual brains made her look less smart when she was never less smart than most people. It just happens I never need it help with my homework and I was quite and I liked reading so I was a small nerd. And she was more interested on painting. I had a secret books were fun, also numbers, but music was even more fun to me but my voice was yet too small, small and shy like me.

One day I forgot my homework but I also forget praying, next day I was grounded for not doing my homework. My mum pulled my hair really bad. I hated her. I feel pity for that now; she is ashamed every time I said to her that if my sister or I ever become violent is probably a trauma caused by her. I do not say this with any anger or intention to make her feel bad I always add that I understand it was wrong but I also understand she was ill. Mistakes come with guilt, with shame, with learning. If you don’t experience the above then they were not mistakes those were your willingly actions.

My parents were in a rocky situation, the divorce was coming soon I did not know what it was but it usually meant daddy goes away, a girl in my class told that to my teacher.

I prayed, I prayed, prayed hard, and even took my blanket to the floor and sleep there as part of a sacrifice to mend my parents fight they tried, she tried. He already fucked it up too much. He was never sorry for her only, only maybe sorry for leaving us. He is my father but he is also a heartless man sometimes. He loves me, and I try to love him as well.

I was a kid and I did not lose hope I prayed for us to be together again, I cried so much I was part of this pain of their epic fights, she kept hurting us one day it was too much my nanny got on the way and she hurt her.

We lock ourselves in the bathroom and held each other , we covered with a towel and cry hours till she got tired and her rage was gone she went to her room. We run to ours my nanny still with us crying with us. “she is your mother, she is your mother"... I hate her I hate her she made my dad went away!

"Don’t say that Cali"

“she is bad she is evil I hate her"

I was mute I was crying I could not hate, not my mum I always said I did, but never did really I was in rage that is all. My sister she really hated, I think she hated the situation she was hopeless and I was full of it even when everything seemed adverse for us.

Our family was gone, I used to think I had lots of memories but the true is I do not my mum she was gone all the time, the nannies change a lot until Camucha, my sister is so close and loving with me now but back then she was a big evil sister she bullied me. I was a loner, a dancing silent singer in the yellowish flowers carpet. I was very unhappy because all I wanted was to be happy. And everyone around me was not, my nanny she was the unhappy.

She was sweet and nice to us but she cried a lot, she could not eat no trough her mouth anyways. I love her, she taught me real pain and real regret she taught me about mistakes and the regret and the guilt that comes with it.

He left and he did not care how much he was hurting us he was not happy either… I guess he was never; he learnt at a young age that he was born from a mother that was maybe rapped and gave away her child to her sterile sister my grandma , she was unhappy as well sort of a saint for the people around her another bitch that hurt my mum to me. Now I see she was being a mother to her child, not the best one but she was so proud of him she would have not dare to correct him afraid to lose him, to lose her beloved child that was never hers.  She died of cancer long agonizing cancer. I am sorry for you grandma I really am they let you died not even in your room... I guess that’s the hell people talk about. I never hated her I just never understood her, she is a saint to many she was nice to me she kept her rol, but she did not love me I was pretty enough for them to want to hold me and kiss me all the time. I was one of those babies people just couldn’t resist, one of those girls that make dads with boys want a girl, a mother with daughter try her daughters be prettier I was insanely cute.

I hated it, being cute was hell, the bites in my nose, the mess in my hair, the lipstick in my chicks, the candy... oh well I guess that was ok.

I still have some of those features my hair still curls, my chicks still chubby, my nose is a round button, and now I wear the red lipstick. I don’t think I’m that cute anymore thought I still smile too much, people who just met me in a good mood cannot believe how much I can hold a smile.

My mum went to a therapist she was less aggressive, I was praying as always, I was smart as always,  my sister was an average at school, she was sometimes bullied, we did not know.

There was a bad teacher once who make her take the blame for something I said that could screw up my teacher I did not understand the situation, I think she did not either and that was why she took the bullet for me... although i was not the responsible but that bad teacher who manipulated us on believing we were the bad ones, Bitch heartless bitch.

My sister stood in front of all the students admitting something she has not done she was so ashamed and I watched and I did not know I was not sure...I should have said something.

It passed as everything it passes I was just a kid , the other teachers were not they knew they knew my sister was not selling stupid paper dolls, my teacher was selling them for money I guess she need it money but you can’t do that in a school is just wrong. I said to people that she was because I did not know it was supposed to be a secret she told me now you said it was your sister, she called my sister and said you will said you did or your sister will get in troubles because they will know she talks too much.

I felt bad for talking so much the true even now I never know when is supposed to be a secret unless you make it clear before you tell me...

I am stupidly honest or I was unless with my romantic feeling now I am more cautious… I used not care I still don’t but some people just freak out too easily I hope someday (I pray someday) I will find someone stupidly honest when it comes to feelings… well the first man in my closet it was a sort of secret relationship, me and Jesus we talked every night for years and now well we are still friends these days. I kept my faith because everytime I close my eyes and feel how hurted I am again by someone, by a lie, by things that are not under my control, I can always go back to my yellowish flower carpet and rolled around because nothing is too bad the world is full of bad situations pain and suffer but also is full of hope, of music of a warm smile of an honest true and then my troubles, in my yellowish flower carpet my oh so BIG TROUBLES become a serious of bad decisions that time will heal and I wish for the world to have it as easy as me.